The Five Thousand Pound Gorilla 

  I am going to talk about that Gorilla sitting in your front yard, looking thru the living room window. The face looks familiar because you are related to it, that’s right coming into view now it is your parent. Although, much older and not so quick to go have that game of catch with, there is still a great family need, the fact is the need is now in reverse they need you. Just to go to the hardware store together may result in four to five emergency restroom stops. A nice dinner out may result in a major catastrophe just due to uncontrollable bowel syndrome, 65% percent of people over 70 years of age. The thing is no matter what your family was or is like in terms of its dynamics all families change and evolve. There are crossroads for all of us. I personally am a caregiver fulltime for my last living parent, my Mother age 85.

  I have changed my career to work from home, a financial disaster. I have lost a wife that just was not tuff enough to hang, and it is understandable. Yet I am the first to say that no matter what as long as she lives I will be here for her, no nursng home or elderly care facility for my parent. This is not to say that this is right, in fact from experience I can tell you if you do not believe this way DO NOT DO THIS, and do not feel guilty. Understand that the same intuition that raised us and knew when we were stretching the truth is still there and now there feelings are located on their sleeves because at every turn they are constantly faced with a new obstacle due to their aging body or mind. So if you are not willing to stop your life and career plan as you know it don’t look for the best care facilities or find after long interviews the right person to be your parents caregiver. Because in modern times advanced medicines they will live 20% longer then any of the last 5 generations. Experts predict we are heading towards an eldercare crisis in this country. By the year 2020 one fifth of the U.S. population will be over the age of 65. Finding appropriate eldercare for our parents, grandparents and other loved ones when they need it may prove to be the biggest challenge for families in the future.

   So face it and face it as soon as possible. Have a plan; this was certainly my biggest mistake. I have always felt this way because of a situation I witnessed when I was young. I had a paper route that delivered to a nursing home. The smell, and the abuse I saw as a teenager effected me adversely for life.. By no means are all facilities like that. There are some I hope when my day comes I am lucky enough to be a resident at. Yet I can not bring myself to have someone take care of my mother while I am still alive. I feel for my parent as if it was my child needing me. This is not for everyone. But if the latter applies to you, talk about it now, not after your parent has fallen and broken their hip. Rehab turns into years of disability as their quality of life disintegrates in front of your eyes.

  Seek out professional advice, act you age as an adult and do not procrastinate. After all we are all just a broken refrigerator away from mortgage default right now so a plan is the first right step. Most importantly talk with your parents. Get past the pride and lead them to a reality discussion as you prepare to eventually switch roles as the child becomes the parent of the parent.  There are support groups and if you do not seek reference material you are like the man representing himself in court a “Fool for a Client”.   

  Up until the last century elders have been held with the highest esteem in societies, the most respect, the best advisors. We have allowed that to become the greatest lost of these modern times the lack of regard to the elderly. Rosalyn Carter said it best: “There are only four kinds of people in the world – those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers and those who will need caregivers”. Caregivers are needed for family members of all ages. With appropriate information and support, family caregivers can help their loved ones across the lifespan. Whether it is a caregiving individual or institution find what is right for them and you. It must be something that both can agree on. It may even be a combination of the both. Use all the resources you can find. My Mother is under the weather right now but I have found a Senior Daycare center that is very active and full of people that really are sharing each others time in a great quality way. This may allow me to get out more during the day and chase down better ways of making money. Because I did not plan well I only had good intentions so I am working under the stress of day to day. Not a good thing but still not a bad thing, as long as I can hold up. The truth to that situation lays in the statistics: Care giving does not cause depression, nor will everyone who provides care experience the negative feelings that go with depression. But in an effort to provide the best possible care for a family member or friend, caregivers often sacrifice their own physical and emotional needs and the emotional and physical experiences involved with providing care can strain even the most capable person. The resulting feelings  of anger, anxiety, sadness, isolation, exhaustion—and then guilt for having these feelings—can exact a heavy toll. The better the plan the better you will manage and control the situation to help it be the best of times.

  I have to say this in summary, if you face reality like an adult, make a plan and then be committed to that plan. It can be the most rewarding experience for you and your family member.  Yes it can be difficult even with a plan but it can also be the best times to really get to know the history of your family. Understand the past and how to use that information to improve your present. They are your family and they share love and knowledge with you that a college or corporation can never provide.  Difficult perhaps but so were you to them when you came along into this world, as your children probably provided you with difficult times. You certainly did not turn your back on your children, well remember your children are watching you still to see how you handle Grandma and Grandpa you could be writing your own plan without realizing it. Karma returns back for our good deeds as well as our bad ones. Hug your parent this week and celebrate with me the “Age-related macular degeneration (AMD) Awareness month”   March 2010 as decreed by the President in January of 2010.

Here is some reference sites:

National Family Caregivers Association

Stuck in the Middle: A tip guide for caregivers